Becoming what Owner Needs

schoolgirl, headmistress, cane, BDSM, sex   I know I’ve been gone for a while at this point, and truth be told I once again have my health to blame. Up until the beginning of last week that is. Last week I had the madness that comes with the increase of size of Owner’s Home. 2 new people were taken in, both were “saved” from one bad situation or another and during this week I truly learned what it meant to be first girl and Trainer.

It came first with orienting the new people to the house and figuring out what their individual standpoints were, other relationships that they were in, skills needs etc. That alone was exhausting. However, then came assigning of chores, adjusting them and meting out punishments when rules were broken, including 2 caning episodes in one day.

Most will say “well, that’s not too bad, right?” well the interesting part of this equation was the one male who came to us first as a Dom then realizing that he was likely a sub. He spent the entire week and a few days that he was here before he was shown the door trying to subvert the house hierarchy and my authority and the authority of the girl i placed in charge when I was not available. After several direct lies his status was ended and he was shown the street.  I have an entirely new respect for Doms/Masters/Owners etc who have to deal with a submissive with less than pure intentions and how absolutely exhausting it can be as well as potentially damaging to the House itself if there is not a strong core, like we are privileged to have.

To those who would like to start their own House: Have a screening process in place before taking in ANYONE as a boarder/room mate/House mate!  We made the mistake of taking the word of this person’s references and they in the end did not know him well either. The heartache, stress, pain and several hundred dollar plumbing bill that he caused by not listening to the direction to NOT TOUCH IT by my second in command could have been avoided by asking several well placed questions, or just following my gut. I thought I was being cynical, a trait that Owner is not fond of but now respects after this.

Knowing that i am becoming the slave that my Owner needs me to be though, gives me the strength to carry on. I have grown in my service over the years and looking back I barely recognize the girl i was 5 1/2 years ago when He collared me.

Advertisements

Update on High Heel Training

High Heels, High Heel training, training my feet for High Heels   Well it’s been a few months, and the time that I am able to wear my heel is becoming longer and longer. It seems though that I can only wear a style called a “mid heel” because  am already so damned tall. Tall and with big feet, go figure.

The blisters are less and less, and I find that it’s easier to keep my balance and to wear them out of the house although as I learned this weekend past, I have no idea yet how to dance in them.

And here we are again

confusion   I keep doing this! Why do I keep doing this? I know that I am to write in my blog 3 days a week. They don’t have to be long posts. Hell, my schedule is made so that I have time before anyone else is awake! SO much for that, until today I’ve not followed it either in about a week.

Friday I received a spanking from Owner for having not written in my blog. It had been one hell of a stressful week. I spent a lot of time on IRC trying to get a feel again for the bondage.com rooms and see if perhaps that’s a place that I might suggest to Owner for an online room for our House. While we do have a room there now, the entire week was one drama bomb after another that has led us to tighten down very strictly. No more applicants. Not for a while.

The drama of IRC is so very much not worth it, especially when you are on the wrong side of the “cult of personality”. Meaning you don’t just bow and scrape to whomever is the “top dog” in what ever rooms you frequent. IRC is a useful tool for communication with like minded people. In our case a place for us to communicate with those House members who are not near by for whatever reason. Somehow the connection is more strongly felt on an energetic level there.

We had offered someone a protective collar. They accepted. This brought about a whole fit of jealousy, anger, drama etc. from a problem that was over a month old and I had absolutely no knowledge of. Every time I turned my head thinking that it was over, something new would sprout out from it. I was sick and tired of it. My blood pressure agreed with me. So, I decided it was time to test the girl who had taken the collar since I had some serious doubts about her loyalty and her ability to handle what this House is about. She failed, miserably. Then, came running begging to be released because she “found someone local she wants to start seeing”. This is code for “I can’t handle you, get me the fuck out of here. You actually expect me to be honest with you?!”. Well, to hell with that bunch of noise. I released her and happily. After that she blabbed her jaws to another person and that saw me kicked out of and banned from the room that I HAD HELPED TO FOUND. So, fed up and sickened by all this I created a room for just family. And trust me, ONLY confirmed family will ever be in it.

So, that was the week that I did not post in. Filled with lots of IRC nonsense. Hopefully I will have something more positive to post next time.

Work Outs and Health

Are you required to work out or keep in shape? Is that something closely monitored by your Master/Owner, or is that an area in which you are expected to be proactive?

submissive journal prompts, bdsm, sex, forced exercise, health, Kidney disease While Owner does not have a specific set of orders along this line, I am required to keep to the diet and exercise plan that my doctor has made for me that is in preparation for my kidney transplant. The doctors want me to be more active and to loose about 20 lbs (which I have already done and I am working on taking 20 more off since I feel so much better)

I learned the hard way that the best way to serve Master is to take good care of Master’s property.

With that in mind, I’ve been considering asking owner to implement something along these lines since I often will shunt exercising to the wayside in preference of doing housework. I’ve done this with other things and its not turned out so well, like my infected tooth.

Been over a week…

BDSM, slavery and punishment, expectations, sex, submissive journal promptsAnd I should be getting my ass tanned over it. Or more likely, as Owner said “We will talk about this tomorrow when we have time…” I don’t deserve this kind of patience. I’ve been having a harder and harder time through the week getting back on my feet. I’ve had next to no focus and I’ve spent a lot of time just staring into space as I filed the documents to close my business and begin spreading my focus more to home. There are things I have -wanted- to do things I needed to do and for the most part those vital things did get done..but none of the things that would have made me feel accomplished did.

I need to rework my rituals and get back to them. I no longer do my centering ritual (it needs some serious revamping anyhow) and the other little ones no longer seem to exist. I still have the drive to serve, but I can’t seem to get out of my own damned way. I’m depressed, I think.

Tomorrow night I am going out dancing. I’m going to allow myself to feel the pulse of the city again and drink deeply of that social air. Get dressed to the 9’s and just let go for a few hours. Hopefully I will see some good friends, and not have too many issues with the one whom I have had to step back from due to her habits.

I will be catching up on my prompts, but for now here is one:

Can you submit when trust has been broken? Can trust ever be rebuilt?

Yes, because in that case I am submitting to the man I knew -before- the breach occurred and yes trust can be rebuilt over time. There was such an incident before Owner chose to marry His slave and while it took time to work out and there was insecurity around the event at that point, we worked through it. We have been married now for 3 years.

Prompts

Are you malleable? Is it easy for you to be molded to what your owner wants?

In the words of my Owner “I wouldn’t say it’s been easy, but I wouldn’t want it any easier than it has been, if that makes sense.” i was in a horrible place when my Owner found me and through time and paitence and caring He was able to take from from that state and make me into a servant capable of the things He needed. So, long story short, i’d say “yes, i am malleable, very much so.”

Is it possible to be in a D/s relationship without love?

Yes, definitely. It is not for everyone and it is much harder but it is very possible. There was a Mistress i served for whom i was just one of Her maids. i was not Her lover, i did not love Her at all. However, i loved the service and that became my driving force.

 

Ok, lets try this again!

   So apparently the cats coming crashing down on my power strip makes for a really interesting *FFFZZZZ* and a shut down of the computer. Let’s try this post again now.

 

Good Morning!

So, the last 2 work days have been really rather bad. My mood was skewed and my mind was not focused in the least. I left early both days and when I left yesterday got a good reaming for it. Not that I didn’t deserve it, I told my manager that I was all right to return to work and this must seem like I wasn’t telling the truth.

   After a logn talk with Daddy and Owner, we’ve come up with the fact that I need some kind of routine, especially in the morning and when I am on the bus to work. So, here is a draft of that. I’ve been doing it today and so far so good.

Wake up and shower, absolutely first thing. It wakes me up and it makes sure that my spirit gets a fresh start.

Eat breakfast and click on “my morning coffee” in my browser. This is an amazing add on that lets you set what pages you open up whrn you press the button. I have a weekend and a week day set up so that I have what I need for work and updates.

Get dressed to the 9’s. Yes, I know I work in a office enviroment where most everyone wears jeans. SO what. Wearing jeans dosen’t make me comfortable. I’m not wearing a 3 peice suit but I am dressed nicer than I had been and it makes me feel “right” in the work place.

Go to work, on the way readon “professional development” books. Recently I am hooked on Jeffrey Gitomer. I learned that if I read this kind of thing, I arrive at work ready to conquor the world. If I read something else, I wind up not being all there since I am lost in the plot of the book.

On breaks I will read these things as well, and cut out the chit chat. It can only help me me in the long run.

On my way to the dialysis clinic I will talk to Tara and to Owner and read my kindle and sleep.

Nights that I come home, I will rest with Owner and do 1 hour of homework then spend time with Daddy likely playing our new game, Rift.

There was something else I came across last night while I was browsing the Submissive Guide, called the Honor Notebook. I thought that this was an amazing idea and it is one that will help me to keep some kind of balance. I need to figure out if I should be doing this online or on paper or both. Likely, I will do both since I keep a paper journal.

There! Got it done!

with fire,

malak

Related articles, courtesy of Zemanta: