Becoming what Owner Needs

schoolgirl, headmistress, cane, BDSM, sex   I know I’ve been gone for a while at this point, and truth be told I once again have my health to blame. Up until the beginning of last week that is. Last week I had the madness that comes with the increase of size of Owner’s Home. 2 new people were taken in, both were “saved” from one bad situation or another and during this week I truly learned what it meant to be first girl and Trainer.

It came first with orienting the new people to the house and figuring out what their individual standpoints were, other relationships that they were in, skills needs etc. That alone was exhausting. However, then came assigning of chores, adjusting them and meting out punishments when rules were broken, including 2 caning episodes in one day.

Most will say “well, that’s not too bad, right?” well the interesting part of this equation was the one male who came to us first as a Dom then realizing that he was likely a sub. He spent the entire week and a few days that he was here before he was shown the door trying to subvert the house hierarchy and my authority and the authority of the girl i placed in charge when I was not available. After several direct lies his status was ended and he was shown the street.  I have an entirely new respect for Doms/Masters/Owners etc who have to deal with a submissive with less than pure intentions and how absolutely exhausting it can be as well as potentially damaging to the House itself if there is not a strong core, like we are privileged to have.

To those who would like to start their own House: Have a screening process in place before taking in ANYONE as a boarder/room mate/House mate!  We made the mistake of taking the word of this person’s references and they in the end did not know him well either. The heartache, stress, pain and several hundred dollar plumbing bill that he caused by not listening to the direction to NOT TOUCH IT by my second in command could have been avoided by asking several well placed questions, or just following my gut. I thought I was being cynical, a trait that Owner is not fond of but now respects after this.

Knowing that i am becoming the slave that my Owner needs me to be though, gives me the strength to carry on. I have grown in my service over the years and looking back I barely recognize the girl i was 5 1/2 years ago when He collared me.

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Preparing to move forward

making slave scheudels, BDSM, slavery, Focus, Mindset, SexToday I am preparing a list of future topics for my blogs. As well as a general schedule of when I will be posting them. I’m finding that if I do things with a schedule I get more done. I hate it, I’ve had a love/hate relationship with lists and schedules since my high school days but perhaps that’s all the more reason to actually use them. My productivity has been higher since I’ve come up with ways to make sure that I get the things done in a day that I plan on doing and it does a good deal for my self esteem as well.

It seems as if things in the house are moving in a good direction. Things are moving around physically (as in my desk and office stuff is now downstairs where I can easily access it and take care of the kids at the same time)and what was the dining room is now much more like an office/classroom than it was before. I find I’m not minding though, even though I thought I would.

As I get my scheduel streamlined, I hope to post the process here however at a glance today looks like this:

  • 6am Wake up
  • email, facebook, breakfast general wake up stuff for me
  • 7:30am get kids up
  • feed kids
  • dress kids
  • Offer to let them go outside
  • Pick up a bit
  • Dialysis 10am

…After Dialysis I guess we will see what I’m capable of…

Confinement

Confinement of the slave

A slave is confined to her room

So, after a long talk with owner after a long very bad day it has been decided that tomorrow I will be confined to the “slave room”. This is a small room with only my lap top with only access to this blog and whatever else Owner sees as necessary for the time spent. This isn’t a punishment, oh no no this is a forcing of focus for me. The last few days I have lost focus almost entirely and it’s almost cost me a lot…my job for one.  So,  this is a good thing.

I will be confined from when I get back home tomorrow from Dialysis until around 830pm (Or dinner whichever is first) after which time I am to be allowed to go to the club, dance and be social and unwind. This is something I’ve not done in MONTHS. Literally.  This is not a good thing for me, I am naturally a social person who enjoys very much being able to mix and mingle with others. This is one of the things that Owner loved in me when we met, and to get rid of that aspect of me…even for work..would be dishonoring him.

My thoughts on confinement? Well, it’s a damned useful tool for put a slave in a position where they need to think and prioritize and perhaps reflect on something that may need attention in their lives. In my case this time, it’s my disorganization and my inability lately to keep more than 2 things going in my mind at once.  I’m not normally forgetful, not in the least in fact I have damned near perfect recall a lot of the time. The fact that I am easily forgetting things is a sign that i am more than a little bit stressed out. This is a good time really for this to happen as well. We had a roommate whose very existence in the house meant that a lot of my rituals and routines could not be fulfilled and it’s more than time that the rules get a good look over and reevaluate what Owner wants and what needs to be changed. Really, I just need to get back to basics, and so…I will retreat to my little room happily.

Figuring it all out…

Well last night just -sucked-. i had a panic attack that sent the entire evening into a downward spiral. For the record tho..i’m not saying i -caused- it it was just the first step in a lot of “yuk”. With the changes in our daily run-around there of course have been changes in how things get done, and i have to agree with Owner when He says that He’s “tired of having a million things to do, and only a few hours to get them done in”. Now, i’m going to get this out because it’s been bothering me some…He said as much last night and i’m glad cause i was thinking it…if He had taken a 1/2 day off or even asked -me- to only take a 1/2 day off or hell…-both- of us only took a 1/2 day a lot more would have gotten accomplished.

However, the past in the past and we’re moving on from it. i just hope He meant it truly when He left and said that He was feeling better. i’m going to be all sorts of ticked if it wasn’t the truth and He was just trying to spare me some worry until i speak with Him at lunch.

Over the next week i need to identify times when i can sneak a few other small chores in. Owner needs lunches prepared for work…doing something like that before bed is just not a good idea for me. i tend to forget until i’m warm and comfy under my blankets and well…i don’t like to move then. and Owner generally thinks me too cute and pathetic when i’m under my flowered down blanket and in the nude. i also need to remember to do the cat litter in the mornings. i’ve been a bit better about making sure dinner is prepared..even on dialysis nights. Speaking about lunches…i should also make sure i have lunches ready for -me- for school. Those vending machines will put the pounds back on quickly if i’m not careful.

I hope to have time at -some- point today to make a “project worksheet” and a “weekend worksheet” to begin tracking things we need to do in the house. IF something doesn’t give somewhere in this regard, i’m gonna loose my mind.

Update

Ok, it’s been a week since I’ve been sent home from the hospital, things got rather crazy while I was readjusting to life at home. There were several issues waiting for me when I got there, a broken pipe that required a plumber to be called, getting used to the kids therapy scheduel again and all the other things that come with having a home that’s been pretty much unattended by you for almost a month. I’m not saying that the menfolk didn’t do a good job, cause they did wonderfully so. It’s just..I prefer to do things a certain way. They don’t do them that way…any other housewife out there probably knows what I mean.

So, I’ve been sent home with plenty of instructions and medications and things seem to be stable. Today I -did- have to go to the ER because my picc line came out of my body and required replacing. I was wonderfully sent home afterwards. I arrived there with an overnight bag, just assuming that for some reason I would be sent to the floor in the inpaitent wing. I have never been so glad to be wrong.

Readjusting to dialysis hasn’t been easy, I’ve lost so much weight in the hospital that my “dry weight” has to be redetermined. This means that every other day until it’s gotten right I spend my dialysis time throwing up and cramping, I get home and collapse.

There’s been some family stress as well, DH and I had a prety severe (for us) argument last sunday that left us both feeling washed out and unhappy. It was resolved by the next day’s lunch time (which I made darn sure that I met him at work for as a suprise) Learning to do everything again and taking the time to try to de-stress and all of it has been a learning experiance. As such I cherish it, even the hard times.

I miss the times when I knew for certain that I’d be home, and that things would/could run like clockwork provided that nothing huge happened to derail us. Now, every other day I wake at 5:30am, go to dialysis and live in fear the whole time even dreaming about being admitted to the hospital while there (because I do everything in my power to sleep through the sessions) and then hopefully..come home and breathe a prayer of thanks for being able to return.

I have been thinking about christmas eve (We celebrate both since DH is christian) and I have this menu in mind that I desire more than anything to create. I’ve got the recipies and I’ve made the shopping list but I’m almost afraid to go and get the things nesessary to make it happen. It requires a lot of prep, and most of it could be done this week and the entire week before christmas so that I’m only steaming, baking, and roasting on christmas eve proper. But, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I will do this and the prep will be for nothing because I will be in the hospital and the things I prepped will go bad because they had a limited shelf life. (For example, the liver paste for the beef wellington)

On the other hand, the part of me that’s not afraid is chom[ing at the bit to get it done so that we can have a romantic christmas eve with all the traditional food and mulled wine my overly traditional and idealistic mind can encompass. I’m trying with everything inside me to hold onto this part of me. As I was taught/learned/relearned this weekend…Faith manages. So…I hold on and I make my prep list and I try to get the house to a point where I know that we can sit and enjoy.
With Faith and Joy,
Kristen

Oh it is going to be one of those days?

   I certainly hope not. Today was my DH’s first day back at work after his leave of absence while I was i the hospital. For some reason I cannot fathom, I have slept most of the last 48 hours and did -not- want to wake up again this morning. When I did get up and get the kids situated, it was an immediate fuss-fest. We are trying to break Aleksey of his poptart habit. Have you ever tried breaking the habit of a ritually ingrained kid? I don’t suggest it.
   Somehow, I have to wake up enough to get the living room cleaned up enough for the early head start teacher and get real clothing (read: not pajamas) on the kids (even though I don’t feel like getting dressed either) and then run through a whole ton of phone calls and errands. Shoot me?