Learning from others ( X-posted to my fetlife)

 

 

With the current life that I lead, it is often chaotic and extremely fast paced. This is not a personal choice, it is just life with 4 young children in the home and 4 adults all enjoying varying relationships with myself and one another. Often, just getting a moment of qui is damned near impossible. Tonight, I was not only granted quiet, but also a chance to converse with a new mind and to read the works of that mind while also having the leisure to truly contemplate them.

That’s when I came to realize that I have gotten off of my path a little. In the general craziness of life, I had forgotten how to live as well as how to engage my own mental abilities of creativity and the power of my will. This perhaps at first sounds pretty serious, but it’s not as bad as it might sound. My self-discovery can perhaps be set into these categories:

 

Self and Time Management:

This is perhaps my biggest stumbling block, hence, being listed here first. Far too often, I find myself mired in obligation, facing a day with far too much to get completed and not enough time or energy.  I had been lumping this together with “tough cookies, you’re a mother and a student and on dialysis” however, now I see the issue with this.

Tonight, I was given an opportunity to actually just be. To get things done, yes but there was none of the usual sense of urgency and of being harried. Looking back, I learned that this has a lot to do with my attitude towards those tasks as well as the fact that I planned them in such a fashion that I did not wait until the last moment. I managed my time and myself in a way that allowed for the completion of tasks and duties in a graceful manner and still left time for relaxation as well as time with friends and family that was not spent dealing with anything stressful.

The closer I look at it, I realize that I allowed myself to step into a current that was already there, allowing it to take me where it would, subtly directing it but not again against it, like I so often have in the past. There was the error I believe, trying to go against the current so strongly that I was forcing things, and in doing so expending far more energy than necessary.

Taking time out for Contemplation:

This takes a close second to the above listed category.  Tonight is honestly the first time in recent memory that I have sat down and allowed my mind to read something, and to really think it through and to think about if and how it applies in my situation. This also had a secondary bonus of unblocking my personal writer’s block, the inability to write in depth about myself and what’s going on in my mind. So often, I write for others. It could be for publication, for a presentation, for school or even for my loved ones but never is it really a careful examination of what’s inside my own head.  I am beginning to see that this habit of mine of “oh, I’ll take personal time when the stars are right, or when the kids are quiet, or when I‘m not dead tired is something that has actually damaged me and in some reversible ways, blunted my mind and awareness.

New ideas take time to assimilate when you are presented with them. Without taking this time for contemplation they remain in that fragile world of gathered but not processed information. In time, they are forgotten or discarded as “not enough time to think about that” or something similar and this, in the end is a waste. New ideas are what keep this world and especially this community running, breathing and evolving. Without them, there is no growth or change.

 

Spirituality:

What feels like a lifetime ago, I had wound my spirituality into my service in such a fashion that it was inseparable. I had small rituals and ways of going about things that constantly brought to mind a sense of the Divine.  Over the last 3 or so years, the rituals dissipated and the sense of connection also went, like incense smoke on the wind. It is enough to say that a lot of my positive outlook also went, and I became far more cynical and jaded. I would be surprised when someone did something nice, or good just for the sake of it and even more surprised when that nice or good thing was directed at me. I lost my belief in humanity.

This damaged me in more ways that I can even begin to count, however I also don’t see a reason to count them. Not anymore. I am blessed with many very inherently good people in my life and have seen time and again the miracles that kindness can bring. Knowing this, seeing this in action over the last few weeks has reminded me that the Divine is there and working, with or without my acknowledgement and that perhaps, it is time to rebuild that connection and give thanks for the many blessings on my life and family.

Joy found in my Calling:

Sadly, this is also something that I had lost. I lost sight of the point of service for the sake of it. Sure, I could talk about it and even relate many, many experiences from when I had not lost sight of it however; none of it was in the recent past. Sure, there were flashes of it now and again…enough to make me want it more. Somehow though it never followed that desire and I learned that I had lost my headspace. I’m not speaking of “sub-space” but a deliberate self-positioning where mind, body, spirit and action fuse into a deliberate whole that is entirely greater than the sum of its parts. Call it mindfulness, call it Zen, call it whatever you like however, and do not say that it is something that you can only reach now and again. When you put yourself into a position to receive that kind of wholeness, it will come.

Purity of Intent:

I cannot say that my intent is impure, not entirely. However, it is not pure either. Lately, I have had a focus on those things I was missing, had received but not experienced again from the hand of another. Things that, because of my illness were now lost to me and the frustration of trying to push myself into a direction that perhaps I do not need to go and would indeed be counter to many things that I am at the core of myself.  Again, this echoes my earlier statement of going against the current, and in a lot of ways is similar. I have spent a lot of my life being told that I should or should not do or be certain things and that anything outside of that stated norm was unacceptable. I had thought I broke free of that in college, but now I realize that such ingrained expectations are often far deeper set than one realizes when they do not take the time to examine things closely.  Now that I have, I see some of the errors I have made, perhaps and certainly not all but I know where to begin.

 

Conclusion

What it all comes down to for me right now is this: Introspection is not a bad word. Humans don’t generally as a rule suck and the universe is a far friendlier place than I gave it credit for. Service is a beautiful thing, and must be approached correctly for there to be joy in it instead of just acceptance and life is too short to gripe about everything. Not every problem needs an answer yesterday and sometimes, sitting back and smelling the roses is good for you.

 

Shalom, my friends.

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Preparing to move forward

making slave scheudels, BDSM, slavery, Focus, Mindset, SexToday I am preparing a list of future topics for my blogs. As well as a general schedule of when I will be posting them. I’m finding that if I do things with a schedule I get more done. I hate it, I’ve had a love/hate relationship with lists and schedules since my high school days but perhaps that’s all the more reason to actually use them. My productivity has been higher since I’ve come up with ways to make sure that I get the things done in a day that I plan on doing and it does a good deal for my self esteem as well.

It seems as if things in the house are moving in a good direction. Things are moving around physically (as in my desk and office stuff is now downstairs where I can easily access it and take care of the kids at the same time)and what was the dining room is now much more like an office/classroom than it was before. I find I’m not minding though, even though I thought I would.

As I get my scheduel streamlined, I hope to post the process here however at a glance today looks like this:

  • 6am Wake up
  • email, facebook, breakfast general wake up stuff for me
  • 7:30am get kids up
  • feed kids
  • dress kids
  • Offer to let them go outside
  • Pick up a bit
  • Dialysis 10am

…After Dialysis I guess we will see what I’m capable of…

Just annoyed

slavery, bdsm, M/s, sex, God, girls, annoyance, stress, sick, tooth ache No it wasn’t a bad day, per se. I just cannot stand being sick. The antibiotics make my tummy hurt and the pain medication makes me loopy and useless. Owner has been very awesome about taking care of things while I recover. Thing is: I don’t want Him to have to. He seems to have found His groove when it come to freelancing His writing and I want to give Him every possible opportunity I can to succeed. I can’t do this while I’m flat on my back and in pain.

*Grrrrr*

Came to me as I fell asleep

My heart sang a new prayer for the morning (Also for the evening, words changed a bit)

I wake this morning and make this offering
In the eye of Hashem who created me
In the service of Ma’at who directs me
In the protection of the House who Owns me
and in accordance with the fire in my heart that drives me to serve

I place all of the day past upon the Altar of my service and sacrifice it in the honor of a fulfilling day ahead. My will is that  of My Owners and happily I rededicate myself to their service.

New ways to express my spirituality in my service.

Coping with stress-Prompt

slave kristen   How do you handle stress?

This is a very good question right now, as there has been a lot of stress present in our lives. Mainly with school and with work (or lack there of sometimes) and the children. For myself, when i can’t go and play violent video games and kill imaginary monsters for relief (Yay! borderlands!) i will take the kids for a walk, or do a few moment of yoga or just deep breathing exercises. Learning how to cope with stress and pressure is a constant battle for me, and one that i like to think that i am winning.

Been over a week…

BDSM, slavery and punishment, expectations, sex, submissive journal promptsAnd I should be getting my ass tanned over it. Or more likely, as Owner said “We will talk about this tomorrow when we have time…” I don’t deserve this kind of patience. I’ve been having a harder and harder time through the week getting back on my feet. I’ve had next to no focus and I’ve spent a lot of time just staring into space as I filed the documents to close my business and begin spreading my focus more to home. There are things I have -wanted- to do things I needed to do and for the most part those vital things did get done..but none of the things that would have made me feel accomplished did.

I need to rework my rituals and get back to them. I no longer do my centering ritual (it needs some serious revamping anyhow) and the other little ones no longer seem to exist. I still have the drive to serve, but I can’t seem to get out of my own damned way. I’m depressed, I think.

Tomorrow night I am going out dancing. I’m going to allow myself to feel the pulse of the city again and drink deeply of that social air. Get dressed to the 9’s and just let go for a few hours. Hopefully I will see some good friends, and not have too many issues with the one whom I have had to step back from due to her habits.

I will be catching up on my prompts, but for now here is one:

Can you submit when trust has been broken? Can trust ever be rebuilt?

Yes, because in that case I am submitting to the man I knew -before- the breach occurred and yes trust can be rebuilt over time. There was such an incident before Owner chose to marry His slave and while it took time to work out and there was insecurity around the event at that point, we worked through it. We have been married now for 3 years.

Confinement

Confinement of the slave

A slave is confined to her room

So, after a long talk with owner after a long very bad day it has been decided that tomorrow I will be confined to the “slave room”. This is a small room with only my lap top with only access to this blog and whatever else Owner sees as necessary for the time spent. This isn’t a punishment, oh no no this is a forcing of focus for me. The last few days I have lost focus almost entirely and it’s almost cost me a lot…my job for one.  So,  this is a good thing.

I will be confined from when I get back home tomorrow from Dialysis until around 830pm (Or dinner whichever is first) after which time I am to be allowed to go to the club, dance and be social and unwind. This is something I’ve not done in MONTHS. Literally.  This is not a good thing for me, I am naturally a social person who enjoys very much being able to mix and mingle with others. This is one of the things that Owner loved in me when we met, and to get rid of that aspect of me…even for work..would be dishonoring him.

My thoughts on confinement? Well, it’s a damned useful tool for put a slave in a position where they need to think and prioritize and perhaps reflect on something that may need attention in their lives. In my case this time, it’s my disorganization and my inability lately to keep more than 2 things going in my mind at once.  I’m not normally forgetful, not in the least in fact I have damned near perfect recall a lot of the time. The fact that I am easily forgetting things is a sign that i am more than a little bit stressed out. This is a good time really for this to happen as well. We had a roommate whose very existence in the house meant that a lot of my rituals and routines could not be fulfilled and it’s more than time that the rules get a good look over and reevaluate what Owner wants and what needs to be changed. Really, I just need to get back to basics, and so…I will retreat to my little room happily.