Becoming what Owner Needs

schoolgirl, headmistress, cane, BDSM, sex   I know I’ve been gone for a while at this point, and truth be told I once again have my health to blame. Up until the beginning of last week that is. Last week I had the madness that comes with the increase of size of Owner’s Home. 2 new people were taken in, both were “saved” from one bad situation or another and during this week I truly learned what it meant to be first girl and Trainer.

It came first with orienting the new people to the house and figuring out what their individual standpoints were, other relationships that they were in, skills needs etc. That alone was exhausting. However, then came assigning of chores, adjusting them and meting out punishments when rules were broken, including 2 caning episodes in one day.

Most will say “well, that’s not too bad, right?” well the interesting part of this equation was the one male who came to us first as a Dom then realizing that he was likely a sub. He spent the entire week and a few days that he was here before he was shown the door trying to subvert the house hierarchy and my authority and the authority of the girl i placed in charge when I was not available. After several direct lies his status was ended and he was shown the street.  I have an entirely new respect for Doms/Masters/Owners etc who have to deal with a submissive with less than pure intentions and how absolutely exhausting it can be as well as potentially damaging to the House itself if there is not a strong core, like we are privileged to have.

To those who would like to start their own House: Have a screening process in place before taking in ANYONE as a boarder/room mate/House mate!  We made the mistake of taking the word of this person’s references and they in the end did not know him well either. The heartache, stress, pain and several hundred dollar plumbing bill that he caused by not listening to the direction to NOT TOUCH IT by my second in command could have been avoided by asking several well placed questions, or just following my gut. I thought I was being cynical, a trait that Owner is not fond of but now respects after this.

Knowing that i am becoming the slave that my Owner needs me to be though, gives me the strength to carry on. I have grown in my service over the years and looking back I barely recognize the girl i was 5 1/2 years ago when He collared me.

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Been over a week…

BDSM, slavery and punishment, expectations, sex, submissive journal promptsAnd I should be getting my ass tanned over it. Or more likely, as Owner said “We will talk about this tomorrow when we have time…” I don’t deserve this kind of patience. I’ve been having a harder and harder time through the week getting back on my feet. I’ve had next to no focus and I’ve spent a lot of time just staring into space as I filed the documents to close my business and begin spreading my focus more to home. There are things I have -wanted- to do things I needed to do and for the most part those vital things did get done..but none of the things that would have made me feel accomplished did.

I need to rework my rituals and get back to them. I no longer do my centering ritual (it needs some serious revamping anyhow) and the other little ones no longer seem to exist. I still have the drive to serve, but I can’t seem to get out of my own damned way. I’m depressed, I think.

Tomorrow night I am going out dancing. I’m going to allow myself to feel the pulse of the city again and drink deeply of that social air. Get dressed to the 9’s and just let go for a few hours. Hopefully I will see some good friends, and not have too many issues with the one whom I have had to step back from due to her habits.

I will be catching up on my prompts, but for now here is one:

Can you submit when trust has been broken? Can trust ever be rebuilt?

Yes, because in that case I am submitting to the man I knew -before- the breach occurred and yes trust can be rebuilt over time. There was such an incident before Owner chose to marry His slave and while it took time to work out and there was insecurity around the event at that point, we worked through it. We have been married now for 3 years.

Confinement

Confinement of the slave

A slave is confined to her room

So, after a long talk with owner after a long very bad day it has been decided that tomorrow I will be confined to the “slave room”. This is a small room with only my lap top with only access to this blog and whatever else Owner sees as necessary for the time spent. This isn’t a punishment, oh no no this is a forcing of focus for me. The last few days I have lost focus almost entirely and it’s almost cost me a lot…my job for one.  So,  this is a good thing.

I will be confined from when I get back home tomorrow from Dialysis until around 830pm (Or dinner whichever is first) after which time I am to be allowed to go to the club, dance and be social and unwind. This is something I’ve not done in MONTHS. Literally.  This is not a good thing for me, I am naturally a social person who enjoys very much being able to mix and mingle with others. This is one of the things that Owner loved in me when we met, and to get rid of that aspect of me…even for work..would be dishonoring him.

My thoughts on confinement? Well, it’s a damned useful tool for put a slave in a position where they need to think and prioritize and perhaps reflect on something that may need attention in their lives. In my case this time, it’s my disorganization and my inability lately to keep more than 2 things going in my mind at once.  I’m not normally forgetful, not in the least in fact I have damned near perfect recall a lot of the time. The fact that I am easily forgetting things is a sign that i am more than a little bit stressed out. This is a good time really for this to happen as well. We had a roommate whose very existence in the house meant that a lot of my rituals and routines could not be fulfilled and it’s more than time that the rules get a good look over and reevaluate what Owner wants and what needs to be changed. Really, I just need to get back to basics, and so…I will retreat to my little room happily.

Slave/CEO/Mother/student

   Over the last few days the topic of “how the hell do you do it all?” has come up. Not just from one person either.  Just for the record, I will state my current obligations:

  • I am the property of my Owner’s House. I serve all Men within it equally.
  • I am a student of Criminal justice and Business administration. Expected graduation date: June 2012
  • I own my own company, a consulting firm that specializes in non-profits.
  • I have 2 special needs children one with autism, one with a congenital heart defect.
  • Did I mention that I have more than one Owner/Daddy/Sir etc.?
  • We have 6 cats.

   All of this makes one head spin when you look at it, but in reality it works out for me in some rather unexpected ways. When it comes down to it, without my submission..without those internal bonds and need to serve I would not be capable of –any- of this. It pleases Those whom I serve to know that I am out in the world in my power suit and heels making large deals and that I am an educated person…who comes back and places all of that at Their feet at the end of the day. And that..in a nutshell..is how I do it all.

A busy week in the Brair Patch

It’s been a busy week here! With 2 almost 3 client meetings and a small ton of statistical data that i need to get together for a client, i am honestly not suprised that it is 3 am and i am still awake and going at it. At this rate i’m going to be a 3rd shifter.

Anyhow, tonight was -awesome-! Owner decided that i was right and that pictures had not been taken in quite some time and so it was that we engaged in one of our favorite fetishes…taking photos of eachother for pornographic enjoyment. Well, ok it wasn’t both of us, not this time just pictures of me were taken and for His glee here is one:Likely not work safe, nudity but not explicit.

 

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I’ve been a bad girl.

And i will definitely be relating it to Owner and Daddy. i have not been doing my journal updates as i should.

However, here are some prompts to get discussions started again.

Are you micromanaged? Do you find you flourish best in a micromanaged environment? Why or why not?

Yes i am. By myself. i do flourish best under micromanagement, however Owner -hates- it. What i have done with His permission is come up with my own expectations of myself in such things and i keep records and check lists and what not. If i have not completely the things on the lists and have not met my own expectations of myself i am to bring it all to Owner and He will judge if i just expected too much of myself (often the case) or if i really did slack off. If it is found that i could’ve done better i am reprimanded with a strong encouragement to do better. If it is found that i just seriously slacked off intentionally we talk about it and then likely i will be punished. Once though it did occur that i did intentionally slack off and it was because i was overwhelmed and that and one more day to rest was granted me, but i was expected to write an essay on why it is important to police my emotional state and keep Owner informed of my needs.

Do you identify with a particular type of animal? Do you use any kind of pet or animal interactions with your owner?

Oh lord yes! My normal walking around nick is “Chez Chatte” or “house-cat” in French. i have seen myself as a Grey tabby cat in a blue gingham dress for a very long time longer than I can remember really. As far as interactions go anyone who has been to my Owners home more than once will  know that  i meow and pur and make other cat-like interjections as per my own nature. This also is completely normal for me, i think nothing of it.

Finish this sentence: When no one else is looking, I…. ?

Will stretch and touch my slave collar and bracelets kissing them in gratitude.